XXIV

I want to get back to language though. Tomorrow, the 12th of August, will mark a full year of living in China and of studying Chinese. My first semester here I spent four hours a week working one-on-one with either a teacher or a tutor and my ability, though not great, grew exponentially. Numbers, simple expressions, a small vocabulary, and a little grammar made me feel like I was making some progress. Rome wasn't built in a day, etc. but a discernible beginning had emerged. The second semester however I fell off these habits. Though I still met weekly with my teacher, I met considerably less with a different tutor (the previous one had left). This may sound like an excuse but this is my attempt to describe the situation: Simply, my teaching and service duties plus my writing schedule displaced my Chinese study. As I've discussed previously on this blog, I'm not a particularly motivated language learner and never have been. Combine that with a slow cooking brain, "shyness," and a deep-seated aversion to the kind of route learning that (I think?) is necessary for learning vocabulary, and I think it's fair to stay that my Chinese progress has stalled. I'm not too unique in this as many folks learning language tail off. That said, being surrounded by motivated language learners and professional language teachers I feel a sense of shame about this lack of noticeable progress and further, I fear that it comes off as a kind of disdain for their expertise. I apologize for the diary like tone of this opening.

In the present moment, since my ideal self tries to make choices that feel good in the long term (e.g. choices that don't compound the tiny grains of shame and guilt that build towards outwards expressions of insecurity and anger), I've resolved to build Chinese learning into my daily life. Thus in the mornings and, at least, half of the evenings when I ride my bike to and from work, I've been listening to Chinese Pod, a series of pretty great for learning Chinese resources. This means that I have to sacrifice listening to music while I ride which is one of my favorite things to do on a regular day. To give up one thing for another thing you value more, so I've been told, is the definition of sacrifice. And so the bigger theory here is that if I can't find a motivation within myself to learn, then I will slit the neck of the goat of listening to music while riding a bike and drink its blood, thereby communing with an otherworldly energy to imbibe the flaccid corpse of my language learning self. That, and working with a language coach, and maybe attending the introductory Chinese class again. I'd also say that I will study characters or use a flashcard app, but realistically that isn't something I can sustain. Reason being there are all my work duties listed above, but then there are also the entrenched habits of my personality, that is, talking to my girlfriend, reading, meditating, basketball, socializing, and writing in this blog. Huh. After writing that sentence it seems clear to me why I don't devote more time to learning Chinese. It seems more blood will need to be spilled.

Less violently however there are other ways to be in China and learn Chinese. Instead of reading about the insane and depressing politics in the United States I read about China. SupChina is a most excellent source for the newsletter (which aggregates a wide variety of articles relating to China from around the world), the podcasts, and original content. I read the Chinese newspapers in English, the left leaning (so I'm told) SCMP out of Hong Kong and some of the more state sponsored news sources just to see what's up (not listed here). In terms of academic like readings I wish I could say that I read history books about China but history in large doses always puts me to sleep. Instead I have recently been reengaging with a new (to me) translation the I Ching that has been quite helpful for philosophy as well as some history, and then there are always random scholarly articles about Chinese writing, education, and rhetoric that I'm lead to through teaching and research. All of the above is not language exactly but it's in the same neighborhood, i.e. culture. There seems to be difference however between riding a bike and watching a bike race, and in this metaphor, I've got a pretty good seat. Onward and onward, of being foreign. Two weeks until the semester starts and there is lots and lots to do.